apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
