and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Randomize
