How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
