dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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