I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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