I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
