yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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