my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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