Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
