it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Randomize
