just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
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