I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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