Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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