My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
