dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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