talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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