finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i drank out of a bidet.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
