words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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