oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
