Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
