note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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