dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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