Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
