So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
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