I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
