Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
