if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
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