I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize