Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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