drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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