Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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