why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I can text with my tongue
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
We have started to decorate penises.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
