She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
