I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
