so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize