I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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