Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
