Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
