Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
