My girlfriend figured out who you are.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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