Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
