The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Randomize
