eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
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