There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
