my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
My vagina is very pro this idea
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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