Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
