Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
