He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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