So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Randomize
