She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Randomize
