Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
