Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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