You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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