If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
