I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
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