I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
