We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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