why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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