Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
