Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
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