shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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