Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
