The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
