Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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