Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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